Massive inconvenience

with mass

CT scan of my pelvis showing a mass

In July of 2010 I had to visit the emergency room for what my doctor called appendicitis. After several hours waiting to be seen, and a CT Scan, it was determined that my appendix was not the issue. There appeared to be a mass in my abdomen. The emergency room doctor brought in a surgeon. It was determined that I needed surgery to remove the mass. The doctors were concerned because the mass was significant in size and it could not be determined what the mass was attached to.

I was immediately admitted into the hospital and hydrated. That was on a Monday. The surgery was scheduled for the following Wednesday. It was quite possible the worst three days of my life. It was awful not only because the doctors couldn’t really give me any information, but because three of my children were out of state on a mission trip. I could not let them know about it because it would ruin their week.

This meant that I could only tell my immediate family and a very few friends. I received phone calls and visits from my brothers. My mom stayed with me through the entire thing.  It was hard. I was scared. No one mentioned the “C” word…it wasn’t until my baby brother called me the night before my surgery and asked “Do you know how long it will take for the biopsy to come back”.  It was something about hearing the word “biopsy” that shook me out of my illusion. It brought me to reality…

Shortly after the phone call, my surgeon came in. What he said did not help. The conversation went something like this ” Ms. Harrison blah blah blah and therefore we do not know what the mass is connected to. There are a few options. What we fear is that the mass is attached to your blah blah blah which is a network of blood vessels that feeds you intestines. If this is what the mass is attached to, it is possible that removing it could cause you to bleed out. blah blah blah and we can not guarantee what your quality of life would be..blah blah blah. So yea, it wasn’t good.

To add to this, my husband decides to leave me that night. You see, my mom was there and he did not want to stay there with both of us. She refused to leave my side, regardless of the fact that I wanted him to stay. So I did what I always did, I gave him an out. I mean, why should HE suffer by staying with ME on what was going to turn out to be the longest night of my life. So he left. I immediately started crying. I wanted my husband there with me… I wanted my kids with me…I was afraid that I would die and never get to tell them how much I loved them… I was heartbroken. I have never been so heartbroken in my entire life. So I cried…and then when I could not cry anymore, I prayed….

I prayed how I prayed…I wanted peace. I mean, I wanted to be healed too, but more than that, I wanted peace… As they were wheeling me into pre-op, the song “hold me Jesus, I’m shaking like a leaf” was going through my head… As I was being wheeled into pre-op, I came to grip with reality. In my heart, I said good-bye to my kids. I accepted that I may not ever see my daughter get married. I may not ever see my grandbabies. I may never wake up from my sleep. The more I accepted these things, the more peace that flowed over me…until I drifted off to sleep.

 

 

 

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At a loss for words

I’m usually pretty talkative.  I like being around people. I always try to be positive… At least when it comes to other peoples situations. There are times though, when my heart is so heavy for their plight, that I can not manage a word. You see, I have experienced great loss. I know what it feels like to loose someone and just feel numb. I know what it’s like to watch my world fall apart while everyone goes on like nothing has happened.  It is in others time of grief, that I am at a loss for words. 

My first “love”

The first man that I ever “loved” besides my daddy was a blonde headed boy that I saw every week on TV. I was very young. I was probably only 8 or 9 years old. I remember reading in magazines about things that this actor enjoyed doing. I have this vivid memory of an article that was written about him. In the article, it stated that he loved to have picnics. I remember it said something about him liking to drink wine. This stands out in my memory because my parents taught me that you would go to hell if you drank alcohol.

Being that I was so young, my daydreams of him involved picnics(no wine) and shopping. It was innocent… I was innocent.

As an adult, I would follow his career. I followed it, not because I was in love with him or even because I thought that he was that great of an actor. I followed him because seeing him reminded me of good times. Childhood memories from a time when life was innocent… Love was real… And those I loved were all still alive.

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